IED

All of my adult life I have worried that I am not particularly sane. I remember as a teenager feeling that any girl that took me on would probably not stick around once they got to know me better. This was because I always considered that I am somewhat irrational, more than a touch unstable and prone to intermittent bouts of anger which tend to come out of the blue. These days this condition has a name. It is called Intermittent Explosive Disorder which ironically has the acronym IED.

As is so often the case, IED contains some elements of other conditions or may even involve other conditions. For instance, people who suffer from narcissistic rage may have some of the indicators of Intermittent Explosive Disorder as may people who are diagnosed as bi polar. I can relate to the narcissistic rage inference because at times I have been quite angry that people don’t value my contribution as a colleague or family member. I can relate to the mood swings that bi polar folk suffer from as sometimes I can be inordinately cheerful and in a supportive frame of mind. Then, suddenly snap into an angry frame of mind in response to an action someone may take or something that they have said.

As a Christian I commit my state of mind to God in Christ Jesus. However, IED often causes me to stay away from Church and to back away from making new friendships. This is because I worry that people will see the real me and because I am afraid of the damage that I may do to people who are close to me. I have asked God to create in me a new heart and I know that this is His intention. However, as many Christians will be aware this process takes time and there will be more than a few trials during the process, which may take the rest of my life.

Interestingly, I am taking medications that help with IED but have been prescribed for other reasons. I take a beta blocker that lowers my blood pressure but this also helps me to stay calm. I take Amitriptyline to help me sleep but it is also an antidepressant. I know from experience that if I don’t take it for a period of time I become noticeably more irritable. I suspect that God had a hand in getting me to take these medications to help me get some control of the IED. It is always good to be less explosive.

I think it is fair to say as I reflect on my state of mind that God gave me a spouse who is rational all of the time and who is also inherently stable. Add to this that our children are fortunately like her for the most part. So, I am surrounded by a group of people that help me to follow a rational and stable path even though I don’t appreciate their rational thinking and stability all of the time. However, God has a plan.

Another thought that comes to mind is that I have always tended to avoid making friends, joining organizations and even exploring avenues of employment because I have worried about my personality type causing disharmony in each of these different situations. It occurs to me that I may actually be afraid of being rejected and abandoned. It may be that I have a fear of abandonment as the key motivator of this behavior. This behavior is not necessarily related to IED but is related to abandonment issues which I believe may stem from my father’s passing when I was a child and some of the events that followed his death.

An interesting suggestion came from an article about abandonment issues. Was that self care can be as easy as taking a walk or writing a journal can help. When I think about that I remember being a teenager and recovering from a particularly irrational, unstable period in my life by getting outside and taking walks and participating in family life while helping my brothers around the farm. In fact, I can see that if I were to state what is missing from my life at the moment it is that I am not getting out and getting physically involved in the world around me. It may be as simple as getting a sound spiritual life based on the Rock - Jesus Christ and getting a sound physical life based on getting some exercise and fresh air. Time to get moving again.

I believe that living as we do in a world filled with victims that we can often be lulled into the idea that we are unable to control events in our lives. So, we have outbursts of anger which are identified as symptoms and we are diagnosed as suffering from some syndrome or another. Which means we have an excuse for our bad behavior rather than holding ourselves accountable for our actions.

I think as Christians we underestimate the influence of the Holy Spirit in our lives. We have a helper who can and will help us to overcome our trials. Romans 5: 3-5 “Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

So we are not victims in adversity but through that same adversity are being perfected by God in hope. We have an ever present helper in the Holy Spirit. Who allows us to suffer that we might grow in the faith and in hope with the end goal in sight that we might overcome all adversity and become conquerors in Christ Jesus who is the Lord of All.
In the end, I have some of the symptoms of IED. I believe my mother had some of the same issues and I do acknowledge that I lack a certain amount of self control at times and I am less considered and rational most of the time than I would like to be. But I have a savior in Christ Jesus and I need to commit this burden to Him more fervently than I have in the past. That the Holy Spirit will reveal His fruit in me. So that instead of fleshly anger I manifest love, joy and peace.