I love to tell stories, tease folks and I am more in my element being a working class man than I ever will be being a man of God. I love planes, trains and automobiles. You can add to that bikes of all kinds, farming and animals. I like to read about science and the stars and I read science fiction too. There is no hope for me it seems.
Dropping into coarse language is not uncommon for me. Whether I am having an open chat with family or getting annoyed with a piece of equipment that I’m trying to adjust. One foot in the world, I just am not a naturally awesome Christian.
I guess my major problem is staying out of the fleshly life and staying in the spiritual life. Perhaps it’s like the apostle Paul said of his struggle in doing the things he didn’t want to do and not doing the things that he wanted to do. Maybe he had the same battle with the flesh that I do.
My biggest fear is that I don’t have the assurance of salvation because I don’t see myself as being repentant. Worse no matter how hard I try not to do fleshly things I always seem to end up doing something that is not righteous. I guess again it is just as the apostle Paul said. Doing what I don’t want to do and not doing what I should do? The flesh seems to really fight back against the direction of the spirit.
On that assurance business though I often think it wouldn’t matter if I didn’t make it to heaven as long as I was able to assist others that I love and care about to get there. I’d sure be hoping for eternal fire rather than hell fire though. Undergoing a quick second death would be infinitely preferable to eternal suffering in hell.
However, be that as it may, as a Christian, I am interested in theology, denominations and bibles. I love the people in my Church. It’s just that I feel like a diamond in the rough besides some of the lovely folks that I know who love the Lord. I kind of feel like an outsider because I see myself as a carnal Christian not a spirit filled believer.
Don’t get me wrong I love the LORD. God is working in me to sanctify me and He is making progress. He shows me the areas that need to change and we are working on them. That includes reading science fiction as well. It is the next big stronghold that is going to have to go. Anything that hampers my Christian life is up for review.
I just wish that I was able to be a sanctified, spirit filled, completely on fire for God and sold out to Jesus kind of believer. Instead of a luke warm, one foot in the world, carnally minded type of believer. I just feel so inadequate and such a personal disappointment to myself. I often have such a keen sense of failure in my Christian life. Oh well, what can I do about it except pick up my cross and follow Jesus. A long way still to go. I guess.
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